(Parody of 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon)


One day a man named Jeff Sumolian had a dream
That he could make a fortune if he owned a baseball team
He picked Seattle now he's knee deep up the stream
There must be 50 ways to keep the Mariners

Just win a few games, James
Get a couple more hits, Fritz
Sign a TV deal, Neil
Pay the bank back fast
A big corporate skybox
Trade the Moose to the Red Sox
Rip the roof of the dome, Jerome
And plant some real grass

Life's peaks and valleys form a road of golden pave
But peaks are hard to come by when the Valle's name is Dave
And Jeff could appreciate that if Schooler'd come up with a save
There must be 50 ways to keep the Mariners

A big draft pick, Nick
Get another Ken Griff, Biff
Sell a little more Cracker Jack
Fill a few more seats
Tighten up the jocks, Doc
Get Bo from the White Sox
Trade Valle for a Yank, Frank
And then you're home free

Sure is depressing
50 ways to save the Mariners