{148618}{148690}And then...
{148693}{148778}If that doesn't work,|there's always pornography.
{148781}{148843}And the definition of|pornography is quite simple:
{148846}{148943}Erotic is using a feather; pornography|is using the entire chicken,
{148946}{148998}Which is weird.
{149002}{149069}And I've been watching a little bit|of porn since I've been on the road.
{149073}{149124}"a little?"|shut up. That's fine.
{149128}{149198}And with porn movies, they|don't have coming attractions
{149201}{149273}'cause if it was, you'd be like,|"och, done. Thank you. Fine. "
{149276}{149345}With porn movies,|when you're watching them,
{149349}{149415}It's basically, they're|an hour and a half long.
{149419}{149503}And who watches an entire|fucking porn movie?
{149506}{149599}One guy up there going,|"I do. "
{149602}{149678}But an entire porn...|An hour and a half long?
{149681}{149777}Even with fast forwarding... Fast|forwarding you're like, "ahhhhh!
{149780}{149877}Ahh ahhhhh ahhhhh!"
{149880}{149962}What?
{149965}{150006}No!
{150010}{150056}And the one thing you don't|want with porn
{150060}{150140}Is basically slow motion,|'cause it's like, "haa. "
{150166}{150247}Prrrggh! "ahhh!"
{150498}{150588}And the acting...|The acting in porn movies
{150592}{150657}Is always so bad. There's always|that one girl who's like...
{150746}{150807}It's not Miss America.|Stay with the dick!
{150810}{150883}What are you doing?
{150886}{150958}And why do they always have to|have such bad actors?
{150961}{151054}They're always like,|"I'm going to fuck you...
{151057}{151107}So hard. "
{151111}{151220}Even my right hand is going,|"I don't believe him. "
{151223}{151292}But there's scripts.|There's scripts for porn movies.
{151296}{151379}Somebody's writing this stuff|going, "I'm going to fuck you...
{151382}{151442}So hard...
{151570}{151665}You little whore. '|okay, that's it for today. "
{151669}{151744}And then they're on a porn movie set|going, "I'm going to fuck you... '
{151747}{151812}Line?"
{151815}{151861}"fuck you hard,|you little whore. "
{151864}{151926}"thank you!|I just need a moment. "
{151929}{152006}And that's fucking weird too. And|there's been porn for centuries.
{152009}{152092}Was there radio porn?|Was there George Burns going,
{152095}{152168}"well, tea-bag me, Gracie. "|I don't know.
{152171}{152258}Did John Wayne have a "Brokeback|Mountain" moment of going,
{152261}{152359}"well, stuffy, we're going up|the old jizzom trail right now.
{152362}{152423}God damn it,|here we go. "
{152426}{152535}And Walter Brennan going, "och, duke,|you're tearing my ass apart! Gad ya!
{152539}{152617}I can't quit ya!|I can't God damn quit ya!"
{152620}{152672}Was Gregory Peck going,
{152675}{152758}"I'm going to glaze you|like a danish. "
{152827}{152879}Did Jimmy Stewart|basically go,
{152882}{152978}"well, just play with my balls.|Just a little bit. Yeach.
{152981}{153048}Just dangle|the twins around.
{153051}{153152}And put a finger in my heinie|if you're a friend. Yeach!
{153155}{153267}Two if you're a pal.|Yeach. "
{153270}{153375}There's one guy who could do porn|and I think we all would watch.
{153378}{153431}That guy is|Chris Walken.
{153434}{153479}Oh God, yes.
{153482}{153540}Oh my God,|he would be amazing.
{153543}{153587}Chris would be up there going,
{153590}{153664}"I'm...|Inside you.
{153738}{153851}So deep inside you now,|fucking you now,
{153854}{153956}Inside you,|deep inside you now, yes, now.
{153959}{154070}I came...|An hour ago. "
{154125}{154206}And it's not bad enough|they make porn movies.
{154209}{154271}They make porn movies|of my movies.
{154274}{154373}They made "Goodwill Humping. "|it's okay.
{154376}{154464}"Wet Dreams May Come. "|all right.
{154467}{154538}"Snatch Adams. "|that was scary.
{154541}{154636}A clown with a strap-on.|Fuck off!
{154639}{154724}You know, "Popeye"|I would watch.
{154728}{154799}Popeye would be like,|"och, God yeach, Olive Oyl,
{154802}{154845}Come on now, yeach!
{154849}{154909}Blow me now. Yeach.
{154913}{154990}Come on, Olive Oyl, yeach.|You got no tits and a tight box.
{155050}{155170}Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack!|Yeach!
{155173}{155264}Ahhh! Ahhh!
{155267}{155329}Ooch!|I creamed me spinach!
{155332}{155380}Yeach. "
{155384}{155440}Good night!
{155560}{155648}Whoo! my God.
{156303}{156411}Whoo!
{156414}{156466}Whoa!
{156469}{156521}Sit down quick!
{156524}{156584}Thank you.
{156587}{156646}Damn. Shoo!
{156649}{156700}- Thank you. Wow.|- Oooch!
{156703}{156755}This is... "ooch!" wow!
{156910}{156960}Thank you, baby!
{156963}{157020}This is weird. Right now|I feel like,
{157023}{157088}"what are you gonna do now,|smart ass?
{157091}{157226}You just did, "ack ack!' no,|follow that. Good luck, boy. "
{157229}{157295}It's weird. Some people|say I look like Bono,
{157298}{157360}And I'm going,|"what the fuck are you on?"
{157363}{157447}But it said that Bono was|onstage recently in Scotland
{157450}{157509}And it got very quiet|like right now.
{157512}{157569}And he started|clapping his hands.
{157572}{157633}And he said, "every time|I clap my hands,
{157636}{157691}A child in Africa dies.
{157694}{157748}And from the back of the|Scottish audience, somebody went,
{157751}{157832}"then stop fucking|clapping your hands!"
{157999}{158057}It's weird though.
{158060}{158127}I want to do something|kind of special right now
{158130}{158180}And dedicate it to|a friend of mine.
{158184}{158260}It was a man I knew...|A very interesting guy...
{158264}{158315}Walter Cronkite.|Incredible man.
{158319}{158392}And we worked together on|a Disney project years ago.
{158471}{158572}And he was a very|eloquent
{158576}{158647}And elegant man, but|Walter had another side.
{158650}{158703}Basically, he liked|his jokes
{158706}{158759}Like he liked his ocean,|a little blue.
{158762}{158817}So I would like to do|a joke right now
{158820}{158889}For Walter as Walter|in his memory.
{158892}{158990}a man and his wife
{158993}{159071}Are having sex.
{159075}{159169}They're going at it|hot and heavy.
{159172}{159282}Suddenly they|hear a noise.
{159286}{159348}It's their little|son Timmy
{159351}{159419}Standing in|the doorway.
{159423}{159539}Timmy is shocked and|runs out of the room.
{159543}{159591}The father goes,
{159594}{159691}"I'll go talk|to Timmy. "
{159694}{159802}He goes to Timmy's room.|He opens the door.
{159805}{159897}And little Timmy is|giving it hot and heavy
{159900}{159960}To grandma.
{159963}{160013}The father goes,
{160016}{160067}"och my God. "
{160070}{160116}And little Timmy says,
{160119}{160252}"not so funny when|it's your mother, is it?"
{160255}{160302}Good night!
{160305}{160369}Thank you, D. C!
{160372}{160435}God bless you!
{160438}{160477}Buenas noches!
{160480}{160512}The peeps in the top!
{160515}{160592}Thank you!|May we have health care!
{160595}{160674}God bless you!|Have a good night!
{160715}{160755}Whoo!