{74692}{74809}And Hyundai makes a car|that can park itself.
{74813}{74886}I'm going, where the fuck were|you when I was drinking?
{74889}{74939}God damn!
{74942}{75025}What a great car. You get in|the car a little loaded going,
{75029}{75090}Shall I drive home?|Fuck yeach.
{75094}{75195}And before you do,|blow me.
{75199}{75300}And what a great new car.|The new Ford fellatio.
{75304}{75347}That would be a car.
{75350}{75434}It gets you off|before it gets you there.
{75437}{75549}And most cars now have G. P. S.|Which is kind of cool.
{75552}{75641}I have a G. P. S. In my car. I was|driving across the Golden Gate Bridge.
{75644}{75704}I was halfway across and all|of a sudden the car went,
{75707}{75788}"take a right turn. "
{75791}{75841}What?
{75844}{75933}No can do, Hal.
{75936}{76038}I'm not that|depressed really.
{76041}{76128}And the car went, "really,|Robin? I saw 'Bicentennial Man. "
{76131}{76193}Shut the fuck up!
{76196}{76261}Damn you.
{76372}{76428}And it's a bitchy|english voice too.
{76432}{76506}It goes, "in one quarter mile,|take a right turn.
{76509}{76623}In one eighth mile|take a right turn.
{76627}{76718}There it was.
{76767}{76840}You missed it, Magellan.
{76843}{76898}Shall I reroute?
{76901}{76956}I who has access|to 12 satellites?
{76959}{77025}You who doesn't look at|a fucking piece of paper?"
{77028}{77129}And maybe they should have|a G. P. S. That ages with you.
{77132}{77185}It becomes age appropriate.|So eventually the car's going,
{77188}{77255}"there's your turn!|Hello!
{77258}{77318}No no, that's not it.|Maybe the next one.
{77322}{77374}That could be it.|That might be it.
{77377}{77479}Yeach, that's the one. There used|to be a gas station there, yeach.
{77513}{77562}Yeach.
{77565}{77612}Right.
{77615}{77692}That's when gas was|a nickel a gallon.
{77695}{77755}That's it, yeach. "
{77759}{77885}I want a Scottish G. P. S. 'cause I|think that would be an honest G. P. S.
{77888}{77948}It would be going,|"there's your turn.
{77951}{78042}You fucking missed it,|you idiot.
{78081}{78135}Take another fucking|right turn.
{78138}{78187}Take one more|fucking right turn
{78190}{78247}Take one more fucking|right turn.
{78250}{78336}Ooch, there's|your fucking view.
{78339}{78399}Yeach!"
{78507}{78603}They say that Bob Dillon|is gonna be making a G. P. S.
{78606}{78683}I want that G. P. S.
{78686}{78802}"driving down the road.|Up ahead there's a light.
{78806}{78897}Very soon very soon you're|gonna have to take a right.
{78901}{78939}Driving along,|driving along,
{78942}{78988}Driving in the land|of the free.
{78991}{79066}So remember to pull off,|you have to take a pee.
{79069}{79119}Do it now.
{79122}{79188}Pull up ahead.|Don't try to stop.
{79191}{79254}Oh God, och God.|Look out, there's a cop.
{79257}{79345}Look out.|I'm just trying to direct you
{79348}{79425}As one wealthy hebrew. "
{79608}{79700}And it's cool now.|If you see someone driving alone
{79703}{79764}Talking like this...
{79768}{79865}Hopefully they're hands-free and|not out of their fucking mind.
{79868}{79982}'cause in the old days if you saw|someone driving and talking like...
{79985}{80083}And they're alone you go,|change fucking lanes.
{80128}{80222}And hands-free means hands|free to talk on the phone.
{80225}{80330}This does not mean find another|activity for your hands,
{80333}{80423}Like text messaging.|No no.
{80426}{80494}Texting and driving|at the same time
{80498}{80591}Is like jerking off and juggling|at the same time.
{80594}{80679}Too many balls in the air,|if you catch my drift.
{80682}{80795}And unless you're gonna develop|an eye like a chameleon
{80798}{80861}Where one looks down|and one looks ahead,
{80865}{80969}Your brain will eventually go,|"I can't do this!
{80972}{81075}I am intextificated.|This is insane. "
{81079}{81139}And when you get out|of the car
{81142}{81211}Take out the bluetooth,|o, Seven of Nine.
{81215}{81301}Join us.|Come back, yes.
{81304}{81394}Oh please.|It's all right.
{81533}{81592}'cause you'll be wearing the|bluetooth and deaf people are going,
{81595}{81655}"are you hearing? No, you're|just an asshole with a bluetooth.
{81658}{81720}Fuck you. "
{81723}{81786}And then there's always that|awkward bluetooth conversation.
{81789}{81848}You're in an elevator,|you can't see the bluetooth
{81851}{81886}And some guy's going,|"hi, gorgeous. "
{81889}{81951}Thank you.|"not you. Fuck you.
{81954}{82004}No, fuck you.|No, I want to fuck you.
{82007}{82079}I don't want to fuck you.|Fuck you, God damn it. "
{82082}{82188}The homeless people are going,|"that's my act, you asshole.
{82192}{82249}I talk to people.|I hear voices.
{82252}{82326}I just don't have|call waiting. What the fuck?"
{82329}{82400}And if you wear|a bluetooth 24/7,
{82403}{82453}I'm sure there are no|long-term effects.
{82629}{82713}And thank you for not filming|me with your phones tonight,
{82716}{82762}Because phones|now are cameras.
{82765}{82828}There was a lady filming me the|other night. You could see "em.
{82832}{82913}There's a fucking red|light, bitch. I see it.
{82917}{82993}And I said, turn it off. And|she went, "how will I remember?"
{82996}{83059}I went, the old|fashioned way.
{83063}{83160}You will have to tell|people what you saw.
{83164}{83269}That you saw|a hairy comedian.
{83330}{83394}Because you see,|it's not big brother anymore.
{83397}{83449}It's little snitch. It's like,|I see you. I fucking see you.
{83452}{83497}I see you.|I fucking see you.
{83500}{83562}And it's also too weird.|Because your phone...
{83565}{83603}You can google|on your phone.
{83606}{83649}I googled|the word corkscrew
{83652}{83694}And it said,|"did you mean cocksucker?"
{83697}{83759}No.
{83762}{83842}But while you're there...
{83845}{83940}And texting... The whole texting|thing... I walked into a Starbucks,
{83943}{84007}There were all these little girls|sitting around like a cyber witch's coven.
{84010}{84074}They were like...
{84077}{84150}Not saying a fucking word.|Just...
{84211}{84290}Finally one of them looked|up and went, "I know. "
{84395}{84463}And you twitter.|Twitter, or tweeting.
{84467}{84529}It's not the root word. It's|not twit, it's tweet. Okay, cool.
{84532}{84586}Is it rude to twitter|during sex?
{84589}{84658}To go, O. M. G.|O. M. G. W. T. F. Z. Z. Z?
{84662}{84744}Is that rude?
{84747}{84792}And is there something|called clittoring
{84795}{84865}Where you play with the little|button on your Blackberry?
{84939}{85017}What are you doing?|I'm clittoring. Ha ha ha!
{85083}{85132}And Twitter broke|the other day.
{85135}{85216}Twitter went down. What the fuck|happened to all those people then?
{85219}{85292}Where they like,|"my thumbs!
{85295}{85360}My thumbs are moving|for no fucking reason!
{85363}{85427}What the fuck is that?"|a book.
{85584}{85664}"who are you?"|dad.
{85714}{85768}I'm miss you.
{85771}{85862}Let's talk.
{85896}{85938}When you walk|into their room...
{85941}{85992}My son has four screens|going simultaneously.
{85995}{86044}He's got a game on here,|he's playing a move over here.
{86047}{86093}He's also downloading,|he's texting.
{86096}{86160}He's got all this stuff going|and people go, "that's A. D. D."
{86163}{86246}I go, bullshit, he's|multitasking. Fuck off.
{86249}{86298}And then suddenly|I've become my father.
{86301}{86345}Your mother|and I weren't online.
{86348}{86437}We did lines, my friend.|I'll tell you that.
{86440}{86515}You do 50,000 hits,|we did five hits.
{86519}{86565}That's how much we needed.
{86568}{86616}And we didn't have Twitter.|We had shitter.
{86620}{86674}That was my chat room.
{86677}{86778}We had useless conversations. We just|didn't fucking share them with the world.
{86781}{86847}What are you doing? Oh,|you're playing with your wii.
{86851}{86908}Oh, you got a joystick.|Yeach.
{86911}{86990}I had a joystick growing up,|except mine was fucking attached.
{86993}{87058}Yeach.
{87061}{87150}And it was a first-person|shooter too, yeach!
{87184}{87246}God damn it.
{87307}{87346}I miss human contact.
{87349}{87398}Even on the phone|for directory assistance
{87401}{87465}It's like, "city|and state, please. "
{87468}{87511}Washington, D. C.
{87514}{87574}"what would you like?"|Constitution Hall.
{87577}{87632}"did you say|Kennedy Center?"
{87635}{87680}No.
{87683}{87785}Constitution Hall.
{87788}{87837}"did you say|Congressional Ball?
{87841}{87900}No.
{87903}{87977}Consti... And it starts to|become like "The Miracle Worker. "
{87980}{88076}Constitution Hall.
{88079}{88150}"did you say cocksucker?"
{88153}{88209}No, I didn't say cocksucker!
{88212}{88276}"would you like to talk|to a person?"
{88279}{88318}Fuck yes!
{88321}{88373}"if you'd like to talk|to a person, press one.
{88376}{88449}If you'd like to talk to someone|in english press two.
{88452}{88531}Are you sure you don't want to talk|to someone in spanish? Press three.
{88534}{88607}Press four if you'd like|to move to the next menu.
{88610}{88666}Press five if you're getting|somewhat irritated.
{88669}{88719}Press six|if you're my bitch.
{88722}{88768}Press seven.|You know you want to.
{88771}{88832}Press eight, daddy.|Do it. Press nine. "
{88835}{88895}What are the chances of talking|to a real person?
{88899}{88949}"zero, press it!"
{88953}{89014}Beep!
{89018}{89074}Beep!
{89078}{89156}Beep!
{89248}{89346}"hello. Did you want to talk|to a real person?"
{89406}{89464}Yes!
{89467}{89582}Oh, my God, yes!
{89585}{89662}Yes!|Where are you?
{89665}{89745}You're a real person?|"very much so. "
{89748}{89843}Where are you?|"I am on the phone with you. "
{89881}{89974}What is your name?|"Thomas Edison. "
{89977}{90026}Don't fuck with me,|Thomas.
{90029}{90119}"don't fuck with me, mork.|I know who you are. "
{90122}{90189}What?
{90192}{90280}"I know about you|googling cocksucker,
{90283}{90339}So don't piss me off.
{90342}{90403}And I have access|to a nuclear device.
{90407}{90492}And I can say it unlike your former|president, so don't fucking piss me off. "
{90495}{90573}Change a light bulb, change a|light bulb, change a light bulb now.