{103070}{103158}But there was one guy...|One guy
{103161}{103253}Who had an amazing claim to|fame in terms of drugs and sport.
{103256}{103322}His name was|Dock Ellis.
{103325}{103382}And Dock Ellis did|an incredible thing.
{103385}{103492}The one person who knows...|Thank you.
{103495}{103603}Dock Ellis pitched|a no-hitter on L. S. D.
{103606}{103673}Those who have|taken L. S. D,
{103676}{103746}Tell the others|how hard that might be.
{103750}{103806}Fuck off.
{103809}{103882}If I took L. S. D., I'd be talking|to every blade of grass like,
{103886}{103943}"sorry sorry. "
{103946}{104053}To walk into a major-league|baseball stadium like...
{104158}{104212}The whole field|is like...
{104268}{104331}"fuck fuck fucfuck. "
{104334}{104418}All the fans in the stadium|like...
{104547}{104612}The umpire walks out,|it's shiva...
{104715}{104811}The catcher steps out. Instead of|a mask he's wearing a Samurai mask.
{104872}{104958}Instead of a glove, it's|a vagina. "come to daddy!"
{104961}{105041}The batter walks out. Instead|of cleats, he's got hooves.
{105044}{105163}Yes, instead of a bat,|it's a cobra.
{105166}{105284}You walk out on the mound, even your|glove's going, "this is fucking weird. "
{105288}{105339}The ball...|"yes, I love you. "
{105342}{105400}Let's do this.|"do it, daddy, do it. "
{105547}{105618}Past the cobra,|into the vagina.
{105696}{105770}For nine fucking|innings?
{105773}{105870}Fuck me.
{106056}{106111}It's like, wow.
{106115}{106177}He should have his own|black-light room
{106181}{106251}At the Hall of Fame.
{106254}{106325}When I was growing up|they used to say,
{106328}{106391}"Robin, drugs can|kill you. "
{106395}{106469}And now that I'm 58,|my doctor's going,
{106472}{106585}"Robin, you need drugs|to live. "
{106588}{106696}And I realized my doctor's|my dealer now
{106699}{106757}And a lot harder|to get ahold of.
{106760}{106826}And he's always giving me|free samples like,
{106829}{106885}"yo, Robin,
{106888}{106992}Some lipitor, motherfucker.|Try it out.
{106994}{107065}That's all I can|hook you up with right now.
{107068}{107135}I got an H. M. O. On my back,|baby. That's all I can do. "
{107138}{107248}And it's weird too... These|drugs have side effects
{107252}{107293}That go on|for fucking days,
{107296}{107388}Like tendency to grow|another head. Oh my God.
{107391}{107478}When we were growing up we knew the|side effects of the drugs we were taking.
{107482}{107565}Cocaine... Side effects were|paranoia and ninjas on the lawn.
{107568}{107618}I remember that.
{107622}{107667}Quaaludes...|Side effects were
{107670}{107760}Talking in tongues, english as a|second language. I remember that.
{107763}{107823}Marijuana... Side|effects side were laughter
{107826}{107896}And frosted flakes.|That's all I remember.
{107899}{107991}But now there are side effects|which fucking rival the syndrome.
{107994}{108070}There's a syndrome called|restless leg syndrome.
{108073}{108151}What the fuck is that? A tendency|to break out into a Riverdance?
{108154}{108238}Like, "och, dear Christ.
{108241}{108357}Grandma's got fucking|restless leg syndrome.
{108360}{108417}Take care of kids.|I'm on my way to Dublin.
{108420}{108525}Take care. "
{108528}{108625}And side effects include|compulsive gambling
{108628}{108695}And obsessive|sexual behavior.
{108699}{108804}That's not a side effect.|That's fucking Vegas.
{108807}{108922}They should just give you a bus|ticket and say, "good luck. "
{108925}{108982}And how soon before|they have a drug
{108985}{109108}Where side effects may include|rectal ventriloquism?
{109111}{109183}If your asshole|starts talking,
{109186}{109259}Call the doctor
{109262}{109364}Or get friends over 'cause|it's gonna be a fun night.
{109367}{109457}And what a great side effect|for a politician.
{109460}{109574}"I was never with that woman. "|"liar!
{109577}{109632}Liar!
{109636}{109745}He's an asshole|and so am I!"
{109748}{109831}And the one drug|they give you
{109834}{109915}That's kind of wonderful|before the surgery was viagra...
{109918}{109980}A great drug,|amazing, a lot of fun.
{109983}{110062}After open-heart surgery...|Not so much fun.
{110065}{110139}Taking viagra|after open-heart surgery
{110142}{110223}Is like a civil war reenactment|with live ammo... Not good.
{110226}{110344}It's a duel to the death|between your dick and your heart.
{110347}{110395}The moment you take it,|your penis is like,
{110398}{110480}"I'm 25.|Yes! Let's do this!"
{110483}{110552}And your heart's going,|"bullshit.
{110555}{110638}We're just back online,|you asshole.
{110641}{110696}Slow down. I'm gonna|put a cramp in your calf.
{110699}{110756}Argh!"
{110759}{110827}And your penis is going,|"I've still got the hips.
{110830}{110876}Ramming speed,|let's do this. "
{110879}{110950}And your heart's going,|"I'm throwing your back out.
{110953}{111010}Fuck off. Argh!"
{111014}{111103}And your penis is going, "I'm|still hard. We're going in. Yeach!"
{111106}{111209}And your heart's going,|"I'm opening up your asshole. "
{111212}{111269}Argh!
{111272}{111314}"are you coming?"
{111317}{111392}"no, I think|I'm fucking dying. "
{111395}{111513}And when you finally|do come after an hour...
{111516}{111620}And after an hour even my penis|is going, "I got shit to do. "
{111685}{111752}After an hour when you|finally come it's like,
{111755}{111833}Argh! Agh!
{111836}{111906}One drop of sperm...
{111981}{112042}With two 50-year-old|sperms going,
{112046}{112147}"where the fuck|are we?
{112151}{112213}I never thought|I'd be called into action.
{112217}{112284}This is crazy. "
{112287}{112384}I'm sure if you had a microscope,|they both would have walkers, like,
{112387}{112476}"keep moving.
{112479}{112551}My tail is cramping,|God damn it.
{112619}{112733}Head towards the tits.|I know my way from there. "
{112736}{112836}And I'm sure there's two|othesperms in my balls going,
{112839}{112895}"wait here.
{112898}{113011}If she puts a finger|in the ass, then we go. "
{113014}{113134}Yes, indeed.
{113137}{113269}But there's|another drug...
{113273}{113357}Another drug they don't|tell you is a drug.
{113360}{113410}It's a class-4 narcotic...|Alcohol.
{113414}{113482}And the only warning they have|on the bottle of alcohol is
{113485}{113608}"don't drink this if you're pregnant.|" bullshit. That's how you got pregnant.
{113611}{113722}And alcohol is especially|dangerous for people like myself...
{113725}{113814}Alcoholics, or you can|say "ethanol-challenged,"
{113817}{113873}Whatever you want|to call it.
{113876}{113950}And people go, "now, Robin, how|do I know if I'm an alcoholic?"
{113953}{114029}Well, as one, let me give you|some warning signs.
{114032}{114104}Number one... After a|night of heavy drinking
{114107}{114246}You wake up fully-clothed going,|"hey, somebody shit in my pants. "
{114440}{114494}Number two...
{114497}{114581}You have a couple of cocktails and|you find yourself on the freeway going,
{114585}{114694}"what are these fuckers doing|going the wrong way?"... Number two.
{114697}{114790}Number three...|You get drunk,
{114793}{114840}You go out|for indian food,
{114843}{114953}You wake up in Bombay with|a camel licking your balls.
{114956}{115065}Ta-dach!|You are an alcoholic.
{115068}{115169}And some people say, "Robin,|I'm a functioning alcoholic. "
{115172}{115256}You can be one. It's like|being a paraplegic lap dancer.
{115259}{115335}You can do it,
{115338}{115452}Just not as well|as the others really.
{115455}{115541}And they say alcoholism|is peer pressure. Bullshit.
{115544}{115636}Peer pressure for an alcoholic|is, "psst, come here. "
{115639}{115747}And I believe alcoholics|are God's rodeo clowns.
{115750}{115825}We're the ones doing the|stupid shit nobody else will do.
{115828}{115906}We're the ones coming out of chute|number five on a fifth of vodka like,
{115909}{115981}"yee-haw!" looking for|a woman who's going,
{115984}{116058}"you're the one. "|"yeach!"
{116061}{116126}And we're moody|little motherfuckers too,
{116129}{116227}'cause we'll be like, "God|damn it, man, I love you.
{116230}{116287}I'll fucking|kill you.
{116290}{116343}Step outside.|I'll kick my ass.
{116346}{116398}God damn it,|let's do this.
{116401}{116481}Poor me.|Goddamn poor me.
{116484}{116585}Pour me|another drink. "
{116589}{116645}And we think|we're sexy too,
{116649}{116705}'cause we'll come up|to women going like,
{116709}{116765}"hey, baby.|Were your parents retarded?
{116769}{116834}Because you sure are|special. "
{116974}{117049}And we see|nothing wrong with that.
{117052}{117134}We've got backup. If|that doesn't work, we go,
{117137}{117229}"hey, sit on my face.|I'll guess your weight.
{117232}{117314}Yeach!"
{117317}{117400}And ladies, if you take an|alcoholic home for the night,
{117403}{117480}Oh, good luck.|You're in for a fun evening.
{117483}{117573}It's like playing pool with|a rope. Good fucking luck.
{117576}{117653}He'll be like,|"I love you.
{117656}{117712}I love you. "
{117716}{117796}And the next morning,|that all-important question,
{117799}{117872}"who the fuck|are you?"
{117953}{118051}"och my God. Well, at|least I'll get a sweater.
{118054}{118124}Cool.|Fuckin'- a. "
{118128}{118183}'cause, you see,|as an alcoholic,
{118186}{118254}You will violate your standards|quicker than you can lower them.
{118258}{118319}You will do shit|that even the devil would go,
{118322}{118413}"dude. "
{118416}{118493}And there's a voice that|tells alcoholics we can drink.
{118496}{118614}It's the same voice you hear if you can|go up to the top of a very large building
{118617}{118738}And you look over the side, there's|a little voice that goes, "jump.
{118742}{118808}You can fly. "
{118812}{118887}Even though your asshole|is going, "no, you can't. "
{118890}{118983}And if you ever thought about|jumping off a tall building,
{118986}{119053}There was a guy who jumped|off the Golden Gate Bridge
{119056}{119116}And he survived. And|he said this... He said,
{119119}{119240}"halfway down I thought|it was a bad idea. "
{119244}{119356}And some things you may want to stay|away from while drinking heavily:
{119360}{119429}Ebay...|Not a good idea.
{119432}{119519}Ebay and alcoholism...|A perfect storm addiction.
{119522}{119569}You'll find yourself|up to your ass
{119572}{119659}In George Foreman grills|and shamwows.
{119662}{119735}Another thing you don't|want to do while really drunk
{119738}{119794}Is get a tattoo.|I did.
{119797}{119866}I got really loaded. I got a|tattoo in mandarin that says
{119870}{119921}"happiness and laughter"|right here.
{119925}{120001}I think it says that. I've never had|a chinese person that close to my balls
{120004}{120049}Going, "that's what|it says. "
{120052}{120126}But I had a friend|get really fucked up
{120129}{120218}And he got a tattoo in mandarin that's|supposed to say "golden warrior. "
{120221}{120333}And a chinese friend said,|"no, it says "ass monkey. "
{120337}{120393}Then the idiot went out|and got drunk again
{120397}{120464}And got a tattoo in hindu that was|supposed to say "dawn of enlightenment. "
{120467}{120578}And a hindu friend said, "no,|it says "deliveries on Tuesday. "
{120582}{120653}So he is not the ass monkey|who delivers on Tuesday
{120656}{120703}For the rest|of his life.
{120706}{120770}And girls, if you want|to get that lovely tattoo
{120773}{120826}Of the sunrise|rising out of your ass crack...
{120829}{120888}Gorgeous when you're 20,|but when you're 50
{120891}{121015}It's an octopus|chasing a fucking starfish.
{121018}{121087}So no.
{121090}{121153}Be careful.
{121263}{121363}And if they made a drug that allowed|you to drink and not get drunk,
{121367}{121466}An alcoholic would go, "what|happens if you take two?" no.
{121469}{121554}'cause we have these things|called blackouts as alcoholics.
{121558}{121641}It's not really blackouts. It's more|like sleepwalking with activities.
{121644}{121721}Kind of strange.|I believe it's your conscience
{121724}{121797}Going into|a witness protection program.
{121799}{121857}It's your|conscience going,
{121860}{121942}"you're about|to fuck a hobbit.
{121945}{122017}I gotta go.|Good luck. "
{122020}{122119}I'm gonna leave the dick on and after|an hour I'm opening up the asshole,
{122122}{122210}But that didn't stop you|Tuesday. Good luck. Take care. "
{122213}{122270}And alcoholics,|we're like assholes.
{122273}{122350}We can't wait to shit on|everybody... Family, friends.
{122354}{122436}We'll be like, "fuck you,|fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
{122440}{122542}Go fuck yourself.|Fuck you. Fuck.
{122545}{122614}I'm fucked. "
{122617}{122685}And they tried to send my|ass to rehab, and I went,
{122688}{122745}"yeach yeach yeach. "
{122748}{122883}And I went to rehab in wine country|just to keep my options open.
{122938}{123022}And while I was in rehab I read|an article in "The Inquirer"
{123025}{123123}About my being drunk. It was like,|"that poor fuck. Oh, fuck, that's me. "
{123126}{123187}And the weird thing too
{123190}{123265}About when you read articles|in "The Inquirer" or "TMZ"
{123268}{123356}And you're looking at all these assholes|going, "those poor motherfuckers. "
{123359}{123439}And only the Germans could come|up with the word for that...
{123442}{123509}Feeling pleasure|at other people's misfortune.
{123512}{123590}It's called schadenfreude.|And only the Germans could go,
{123593}{123680}"we found the fucking word|for that. God bless you. "
{123683}{123740}I was once|on a German talk show.
{123743}{123807}And if you want to go on one,|it's a lot of fun.