{25694}{25762}But that's California, where|animals have better healthcare
{25765}{25829}Than the rest of the|country. It's fucking insane.
{25832}{25886}And if the whole|healthcare debate...
{25890}{25962}If you want to know how your|congressman and senators are gonna vote,
{25965}{26047}We should actually... Maybe they|should be like NASCAR drivers.
{26050}{26108}They should actually|have to have jackets
{26111}{26180}With the names of all the|people who are sponsoring them.
{26183}{26232}Wouldn't that be cool?
{26235}{26311}Fuckin'- a!|Yeach, baby.
{26485}{26543}Then you might have a clue
{26546}{26599}To why the fuck|they voted that way.
{26602}{26681}"big drug company. "|got it! Thank you.
{26685}{26730}And I have an alternative|healthcare plan.
{26733}{26801}It's called cash-for-clunkers-|for-older-relatives.
{26804}{26855}It's kind of fun.
{26858}{26968}You sell grandma|for parts.
{26971}{27018}Grandma, you've|got two kidneys.
{27021}{27109}We need a porch.|Let's do this.
{27113}{27172}And do not|sell grandma's kidneys
{27175}{27235}To that Hasidic Rabbi|in New Jersey.
{27238}{27320}Fuck. Who buys organs|from a Hasidic Rabbi
{27323}{27403}Going, "I'm crazy Itzhak.|Come on down.
{27406}{27455}I'm verklempt|with values.
{27458}{27507}Come on down!|I've got kidneys.
{27510}{27582}I've got livers.|How's the liver? Fresh!
{27585}{27633}Come on down!
{27637}{27696}And if you order now,|you'll get this lovely wallet
{27699}{27748}Made from a Hasidic foreskin.|You rub it,
{27751}{27835}It becomes a suitcase.|Come on down!
{27838}{27928}Come on down!|I'm open 24/6 for you!
{27932}{27996}Come on!"
{27999}{28079}And if you have an older|relative living with you
{28082}{28125}That has dementia
{28129}{28175}And the temarketers|are calling,
{28178}{28239}Put her on the phone|with the telemarketers.
{28280}{28338}It works.
{28341}{28404}After two hours|she thinks she's talking
{28407}{28451}To your long-lost|cousin Carl
{28454}{28561}And the fucking telemarketers|will never call back again.
{28564}{28627}And it's weird too,|'cause I had open heart surgery
{28630}{28714}Which lets you know exactly what|the fuck it is... Open heart.
{28717}{28774}An angiogram does|not let you know
{28777}{28832}What they're going to do.|An angiogram is where they
{28835}{28885}Go through your groin|to your heart.
{28889}{28964}And how knew that the way to|man's heart was through his groin?
{28967}{29014}And the women...|Many women are going,
{29017}{29098}"we've known that forever.
{29101}{29147}Yes.
{29151}{29222}Simple. You grab|a man's balls,
{29226}{29292}His heart will follow. "
{29327}{29374}And I found out|I had a bad heart
{29377}{29445}Because they did an echocardiogram|and my heartbeat was like...
{29530}{29629}My cardiologist went,|"that's not good. "
{29632}{29682}My latin friend said,|"no, you could dance to that.
{29685}{29728}That's kinda cool. "
{29731}{29797}And then they did|the angiogram and I heard my...
{29865}{29915}I had a blown valve|which makes me sound
{29918}{29983}Like a Chevrolet.|Like what the fuck?
{29987}{30041}And they started|offering me choices
{30044}{30088}About what type of valves|I could get.
{30092}{30133}And here were|some of my choices:
{30137}{30182}Number one...|A porcine valve
{30185}{30237}Which is a pig valve,|which is kind of cool
{30240}{30336}Because you're already inoculated|for swine flue, number one.
{30339}{30402}And one of the side effects|is you can find truffles,
{30405}{30477}Which is kind of cool.
{30480}{30542}I was hoping to get|an equine valve
{30600}{30683}'cause then you can hang out of|your shorts like, "och my God..
{30719}{30770}Baby, I'm sorry.|I just got excited. "
{30773}{30814}You know?
{30817}{30865}To get out of the house,|you have to have a midget
{30868}{30947}Jump on your back going,|"we're going outside right now.
{30985}{31092}How many months since|the surgery?" five.
{31095}{31181}And they offered me|a mechanical valve
{31185}{31230}Which is kind of cool.|I thought,
{31233}{31305}Maybe I can get the new Apple|iheart. That would be great.
{31349}{31408}It comes with 20,000 emotions|and that would be...
{31411}{31461}And I thought,|wait a minute.
{31465}{31507}If I could get an iheart,
{31510}{31570}Ladies, how about this?|Instead of breast implants...
{31573}{31656}Speakers.|Wouldn't that be cool?
{31659}{31738}We'll call "em blue tits, they'll|be compatible with the heart.
{31772}{31818}And if you can't|afford speakers,
{31821}{31874}Just put in a squeak toy.|We're that simple.
{31878}{31926}That'd be great.
{31929}{31975}A lot of you men|would be going...
{31978}{32032}"och yeach, baby. "
{32170}{32234}And I'll put a whistle in my|dick so when you blow me...
{32237}{32292}Whoo!
{32333}{32422}Kind of fun, but...
{32425}{32500}I ended up getting a bovine|valve which is a cow valve.
{32503}{32567}Which is kind of cool,|'cause you can shit standing up.
{32571}{32614}That's great.
{32617}{32686}Great to be here.|Nice to be here.
{32689}{32776}But after the surgery,|you get very emotional.
{32779}{32837}It's like... It's like weird.|People go, "how are you?"
{32840}{32908}God, thanks for asking.
{32911}{32989}And I got so emotional,|I thought instead of a valve
{32992}{33062}They gave me a tiny vagina.|Which is like... What?
{33101}{33166}"how are you?"|much better now, thank you.
{33197}{33268}Mmm. God.
{33271}{33336}Don't use the paddles,|just rub me here.
{33339}{33411}There we go.
{33414}{33458}And if this is|the symbol for men,
{33461}{33520}Is this the symbol|for women?
{33524}{33569}Don't jerk me off.|I won't. God bless.
{33572}{33631}Thank you.
{33634}{33725}And the surgery...|The surgery went amazing.
{33729}{33813}I had a doctor who had|done 4,000 surgeries.
{33816}{33877}All of them fucking amazing.|That was great.
{33880}{33933}You don't want a doctor|who's done six surgeries,
{33936}{34004}Three of them haven't|gone that well.
{34007}{34091}You don't want a guy going,|"let's see what happens. "
{34125}{34169}And the surgery|was pretty amazing.
{34172}{34226}It went fantastic.|First thing to come back online,
{34229}{34273}Your heart...
{34276}{34345}Great. And then your brain.|Last thing, asshole.
{34397}{34441}The drugs make you|so constipated,
{34444}{34496}I thought they were gonna|have to bring in a priest
{34500}{34553}To do a rectal exorcism.
{34556}{34641}Demon turd,|fall from his ass!
{34644}{34718}The power of fiber|compels you!
{34721}{34811}The power|of fiber compels you!
{34878}{34933}And after the surgery,|they put you on a little
{34937}{34982}Self-medicator,|which is fucking great.
{34985}{35050}You're like...
{35053}{35095}I want to thank|my anesthesiologist,
{35098}{35164}'cause I don't fucking|remember his name.
{35167}{35212}And the drug they gave me|for the surgery
{35215}{35274}Was a drug|called propofol
{35277}{35336}Which is nicknamed|milk of amnesia.
{35339}{35390}Fucking insane drug.
{35393}{35448}I had that|in a surgical situation.
{35451}{35517}Michael Jackson was|taking propofol at home
{35521}{35572}To sleep.|Fuck off.
{35621}{35683}A doctor said,|"taking propofol to sleep
{35687}{35728}Is like doing|chemotherapy
{35732}{35824}Because you're tired|of shaving your fucking head. "
{35828}{35904}It's like, no.
{35907}{35959}And do you think|that when you die
{35963}{36018}And you get to the other|side in the afterlife
{36021}{36065}They give you things|you had in life?
{36069}{36122}Like Michael got to the other|side and it's like, Michael?
{36125}{36166}"yes?"
{36169}{36239}We have some|of your things here.
{36242}{36294}"really?"
{36297}{36378}One african-american nose.|Is this yours?
{36438}{36476}"yes. "
{36479}{36538}We have four others here.|Are these yours?
{36541}{36631}"three of them are mine.|One's Latoya's. "
{36634}{36723}But you can't blame Michael.|We're a heavily medicated society.
{36726}{36804}All the drugs we take...|Prozac, effexor, valium.
{36808}{36855}I thought for|the last 10 years
{36858}{36930}We've been on some weird fucking|drug... The whole country...
{36933}{37009}A drug called fuck-it-all.|What a weird fucking drug.
{37012}{37087}And we're just coming out of it|and we're kind of waking up.
{37091}{37185}It's like fuckin'- a.