ANNOUNCER: The Meaning of Life: Part Three: Fighting Each Other.

[boom]

SOLDIERS: Hh. Uhh. Look out. [boom] Uhh. Ahh.

BIGGS: Okay. Blackitt, Sturridge, and Walters, you take the buggers on the left flank. Hordern, Spadger, and I... [pweeng] ...will go for the gunpost.

SPADGER: Right, sir.

BLACKITT: Oh, hang on a tick, sir.

SPADGER: Yeah.

BLACKITT: You'll never make it, sir. Let us come with you.

BIGGS: Do as you're told, man.

BLACKITT: Right-o, skipper. [boom] Oh, sir. Sir,... i-- if we-- we don't meet again, sir, I'd just like to say it's been a-- it's been a real privilege fighting alongside you, sir.

BIGGS: Yes, well,...

SPADGER: Yeah.

BIGGS: ...I think this is... [boom] ...hardly the time or place for a good-bye speech, eh? Hah.

BLACKITT: No. No, me and the lads realise this, sir, but, well,...

BIGGS: Ehh.

BLACKITT: ...we may never meet again, sir, so,... I--

BIGGS: Yes, all-- all-- all right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.

BLACKITT: No, eh, just a moment, sir.

SPADGER: Duck.

BLACKITT: You see,... [boom] ...me and the lads, we've had a little whip-around, sir. [boom] We bought you something, sir.

SPADGER: Ahh.

BLACKITT: We bought you this, sir.

[clink clank clink]

SPADGER: Ah. Hhh.

BIGGS: Oh. Well, i-- I don't know what to say. [boom] It's a-- it's-- it's a lovely thought. [boom] Thank you. Uh, thank you all,... [boom]

SPADGER: All right, sir.

BIGGS: ...but--

WALTERS: You're welcome.

[pweeeeeng]

BIGGS: But I-- I-- I-- I think we'd better get to cover now.

[boom]

BLACKITT: Hang on a tick, sir. We got something else for you as well, sir.

SPADGER: Aah.

BLACKITT: Uh.

SOLDIERS: Ah. Ah. Ehh...

[ding]

BLACKITT: Sorry it's another clock, sir,... [boom] ...only there was a bit of a mix-up. Well, Walters thought he was buying the present, and Spadger and I had already got the other one.

BIGGS: Well, it's-- it's beautiful. [zimm zimm zimm] They're both beautiful. [zimm zimm zimm]

[ding]

WALTERS: Aah!

[boom]

BIGGS: I-- I think we'd better get to cover now,...

BLACKITT: Oh, sir, and Corp--

BIGGS: ...and I'll thank you properly later on.

SPADGER: Uhh. Ehh.

BLACKITT: Corporal Sturridge got this for you as well, sir. He didn't know about the others, sir. It's Swiss.

BIGGS: Oh, well, now, that is thoughtful, Sturridge. Good man.

[boom]

BLACKITT: And there's a card, sir,... from all of us. Sorry about the blood, sir.

[boom]

BIGGS: Thank you all.

BLACKITT: Squad,... [boom] ...three cheers for Captain Biggs. Hip hip--

[boom]

SOLDIERS: Hooray!

BLACKITT: Hip hip--

SOLDIERS: Hooray!

BLACKITT: Hip hip-- [boom] Oooooh!

SOLDIERS: Hooray!

BIGGS: Blackitt! Blackitt!

BLACKITT: I-- I'll be all right, sir. Oh, there's just... one other thing, sir. Spadge, give him the cheque.

SPADGER: Oh, yeah. Uhh.

BIGGS: Oh, now, this is really going too far.

SPADGER: Oh. I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. Uhh, it'll be in-- be in Number Four Trench. I'll go and get it.

BIGGS: For Christ's sake, forget it, man!

[boom]

SPADGER: You shouldn't have said that, sir. [boom] You've hurt his feelings now.

BLACKITT: Don't mind me, Spadge. Toffs is all the same. One minute it's all 'please' and 'thank you', and the next, they'll kick you in the teeth!

STURRIDGE: Yeah.

BLACKITT: [cough]

WALTERS: Let's not give him the cake.

BIGGS: I don't want any cake.

SPADGER: Look. Blackitt cooked it specially for you, you bastard!

STURRIDGE: Yeah, he saved his rations for six weeks, sir.

BIGGS: Sorry. I didn't mean to be ungrateful.

SPADGER: Yeah.

BLACKITT: I'll be all right. [boom] Ahh!

SPADGER: Blackitt! Blackie! Look at him. He worked on that cake like no one else I've ever known. [boom] Some nights it was so cold, we could hardly move, but Blackie'd be out there slicing the lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds. [boom] I mean, you try trying to get butter to melt at fifteen degrees below zero! There's love in that cake. This man's love... and this man's care... and this m-- [boom] Aghh!

BIGGS: Oh, my Christ!

STURRIDGE: You bastard.

BIGGS: All right! [boom] We will eat the cake! [music] They're right. It's-- [pweeeeeng] It's too good a cake not to eat! Get the... plates and knives, Walters.

WALTERS: Yes, sir. How many plates?

BIGGS: Six.

WALTERS: Fine. [boom] Aahh!

BIGGS: Uh.

WALTERS: Agh.

BIGGS: Oh. Better make it five.

STURRIDGE: Tablecloth, sir?

BIGGS: Yes, get the tablecloth.

[boom]

STURRIDGE: Aaghh! Uh.

BIGGS: No, no, no, no. I'll-- [boom] I'll get the tablecloth and you'd better get the gate-leg table, Hordern.

[boom]

HORDERN: Ohh. Aahh! And the little mats, sir?

BIGGS: Yes!

HORDERN: Right-o.

BIGGS: All right, while you're at it, you'd better get a doily!

HORDERN: I'll bring two, sir, in case one gets scrumpled.

BIGGS: Okay! Eh.

[boom boom boom]