{16729}{16777}The only warning you have|is if your cat
{16780}{16858}Is spread-eagle|in the doorway like...
{16861}{16943}Get the fuck out.
{16946}{16993}And if your parrot|starts going,
{16996}{17083}"pack the car!|Pack the car!
{17086}{17140}Food and water!|Food and water!"
{17143}{17212}Also, if you|have a parrot,
{17215}{17267}Do not leave them|in the bedroom.
{17270}{17362}They hear everything. All of the sudden|you'll have guests over for dinner
{17365}{17459}And the parrot will go|"not the ass. " whoa-ho-ho!
{17462}{17559}Petey!
{17562}{17630}he's been watching porn again.
{17661}{17717}"fuck me, Teddy!|Fuck me hard!"
{17760}{17830}Honey, who's Teddy?
{17935}{18042}And the weird thing is
{18045}{18141}You try and do your part to|reduce your carbon footprint.
{18144}{18210}And if you have a hybrid,|God bless you, sweet cars.
{18213}{18307}But especially if you drive them outside|a major city, you get into little cities
{18311}{18374}Especially in the South,|it becomes kind of interesting.
{18377}{18429}You pull into a small|gas station, it's like,
{18432}{18487}"what the fuck is this?
{18490}{18553}Bobby, get over here.|It's one of them new inbreds!
{18557}{18646}Look at this|motherfucker.
{18649}{18715}Shit, looks like Volkswagen|fucked a golf cart.
{18718}{18779}God damn.
{18812}{18879}I did not|hear you come in.
{18912}{18952}You may want|to put some cards
{18955}{19003}In the spokes|of your wheels
{19006}{19086}So you make|some fucking noise. "
{19089}{19156}That's why there's not gonna|be any NASCAR hybrid race.
{19159}{19222}A NASCAR hybrid race would|be like, "here they come. "
{19312}{19372}And I love|the guys who say,
{19375}{19418}"I watch NASCAR|for the racing. "
{19421}{19466}Yeach, I watch porn|for the acting.
{19469}{19536}You liar!
{19539}{19598}You watch NASCAR|to see team viagra
{19601}{19650}Spin out in flames|and the guy get out
{19654}{19729}With his pubes on fire|going, "I'm okay!"
{19732}{19774}And there was a guy|in the South who said,
{19778}{19827}"they should have|NASCAR in the Olympics. "
{19830}{19898}And it was like, mm-hmm.|At that moment ever Darwin
{19901}{19974}Was going,|"come with me. "
{20021}{20066}This is the ascent of man.
{20070}{20120}You stand here.
{20173}{20231}But it's weird too.|If you recycle, God bless you.
{20234}{20293}You recycle, good for you,|congratulations.
{20296}{20347}But if you recycle,|there is one group
{20350}{20430}Who is really pissed off.|That group are the raccoons.
{20433}{20510}They are going through|your recycling like,
{20514}{20580}"what the fuck is this shit?
{20622}{20676}Where are the hefty bags?|The piñata of life
{20680}{20765}That used to feed an entire|fucking family?
{20768}{20839}This is glass and plastic.|I can't digest this shit,
{20842}{20913}You green asshole!
{20916}{21000}I'm spreading this shit|all over your lawn!
{21003}{21073}I'm taking a dump|in your pool too. "
{21112}{21164}I don't know why I made|the raccoons Irish,
{21167}{21223}But it works.|Now...
{21422}{21472}And they're ballsy|little motherfuckers too.
{21475}{21522}You turn on the light,|they look at you like,
{21525}{21585}"what the fuck|you gonna do?
{21588}{21666}I got a skunk as backup.|Don't make me call him. "
{21669}{21736}And they've got those|little jazz paws.
{21739}{21782}"jazz paws!"
{21786}{21833}They can open|doors, cabinets.
{21837}{21898}I'm amazed you don't come home|and find them on the computer
{21902}{21974}Going, "I'm ordering shit.|How you doing?
{21978}{22029}The dog knows I'm here.|I locked him
{22033}{22099}In the fucking closet.|He's an idiot. Too late. "
{22143}{22211}And the deer in California|have total amnesty
{22214}{22259}'cause they know no one's|gonna cap their ass
{22263}{22314}And strap them to the front|of a Ranger Rover
{22317}{22358}And go downtown|for a mocha.
{22361}{22425}They walk through your yard|like supermodels with hooves.
{22429}{22488}Like, "hi.
{22617}{22668}Are these your roses?
{22757}{22801}Oh my God,|a deer fence. "
{23089}{23137}And I love|the five point buck
{23140}{23249}That jump out in front of your|car like, "I hope you're insured.
{23252}{23301}'cause I'm taking you out.|This is revenge
{23305}{23352}For my brother who's hanging|in a bar in Tennessee.
{23356}{23406}Fuck you. "
{23450}{23534}And we have coyotes,|which are like dogs on crack.
{23537}{23602}They come into your yard|looking like, "hey! I'm a dog.
{23606}{23704}Ooch! I'm a fucking|dog. Hey! Psst, listen.
{23707}{23786}Do you have any small|animals you don't need?"
{23830}{23891}And I'm sure your cat|is sitting in the back going,
{23894}{23950}"I will shit in the box!
{23997}{24066}Don't send me out there.|Those things eat pussy!
{24069}{24114}Don't send me out there!"
{24210}{24281}And if you have|a cat a a dog...
{24322}{24381}And they live together,|do you think your cat
{24384}{24440}Mind-fucks your dog?
{24443}{24510}I don't think it's fair. I|think the moment you go to sleep
{24513}{24554}The cat's like,
{24558}{24603}"Scooby!"
{24636}{24687}"yeach yeach?"
{24690}{24750}"hey, Scooby,|are you man's best friend?"
{24753}{24805}"och God, yeach.|I love him. I love him!"
{24808}{24916}"really? Then where|are your balls?"
{24988}{25056}"shit, they were|there yesterday.
{25059}{25128}I wondered why my ass|tasted differently. "
{25167}{25211}"I'm just saying|that's weird.
{25214}{25276}You know, I'm just saying... "
{25352}{25414}"I'm just saying that's|weird, that's all I'm saying. "
{25463}{25550}And people in California|give their cats prozac.
{25554}{25632}How much more mellow|can a fucking animal be?