The school Christmas party is coming
We ain't doing rugby no more
MacIntyre's teaching us waltzing
Out on the gymnasium floor
Out on the gymnasium floor
MacIntyre's out of the army
You'll be slippered if you get it wrong
And MacIntyre's din
Booms loud in the gym
And we've only got our little shorts on
We've only got our little shorts on

And it's one, two, three, two, two -
We're all a disgrace
MacIntyre tore us apart
And we danced with ourselves
When he yelled 'Find a space!'
Waltzing with fear in our hearts
Waltzing with fear in our hearts

Comes the day of the final manoeuvres
All of our heads are awhirl
It's getting much closer to D-day
This time we're going to do it with girls
This time we're going to do it with girls
In the arena the ladies were waiting
A 12 year-old partner to guide
Some matches were fixed
The rest of us mixed
And a fat girl got left at the side
A fat girl got left at the side

And it's one, two, three, two, two -
We're all a disgrace
MacIntyre tore us apart
And we danced with ourselves
When we'd all found a space
Waltzing with fear in our hearts
Waltzing with fear in our hearts

When you come to my fights
And I'm under the lights
And you see that my footwork is false
Don't count me out
At the start of the bout
I'm just doing the Secondary Waltz
Doing the Secondary Waltz