Sailing Away, Sailing Away.

It's fun to charter an accountant
And sail the wild accountancy
To find, explore, the funds offshore
and scourge the sholls of bankruptcy.

It can be manly in insurance,
we'll up your premium semi-annually.
It's all tax deductable,
we're fairly incorruptable.
We're sailing on the wide accountancy.

Sailing Away, Sailing Away.

[whoosh]

[crash]

[music stops]

AINSWORTH: 'Scuse me.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Morning, Ainsworth.

AINSWORTH: Morning, Pakenham.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Sleep well?

AINSWORTH: Not bad. Bit to shreds, though. Must be a hole in the bloody mosquito net.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes. Savage little blighters, aren't they?

[clink]

FIRST LIEUTENANT CHADWICK: Excuse me, sir.

AINSWORTH: Yes, Chadwick?

CHADWICK: I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night.

AINSWORTH: Well, so did we. Huh.

CHADWICK: Yes, but I do think doctor ought to see him.

AINSWORTH: Well, go and fetch him, then.

CHADWICK: Right you are, sir.

AINSWORTH: Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham?

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes, I suppose so.

AINSWORTH: Careful!

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Come on, boy.

[mayhem]

AINSWORTH: Ah! Morning, Perkins.

PERKINS: Morning, sir.

AINSWORTH: What's, uh,-- what's all the trouble, then?

PERKINS: Bitten, sir. During the night.

AINSWORTH: Hmm. Whole leg gone, eh?

PERKINS: Yes.

AINSWORTH: How does it feel?

PERKINS: Stings a bit.

AINSWORTH: Mmm. Well, it would, wouldn't it? That's, uh,... quite a bite you've got there, you know.

PERKINS: Yes, a... real beauty, isn't it?

AINSWORTH: Any idea how it happened?

PERKINS: None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. Woke up just now, one sock too many.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: You must have a hell of a hole in your net.

AINSWORTH: Hmm. Well, we've sent for the doctor.

PERKINS: Ohh, hardly worth it, isn't it?

AINSWORTH: Oh, yes. Better safe than sorry.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes. Good Lord, look at this.

AINSWORTH: By jove, that's enormous!

PAKENHAM-WALSH: You don't think it'll come back, do you?

AINSWORTH: For more, you mean?

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Yes.

AINSWORTH: You're right. We'd better get this stitched.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Right.

AINSWORTH: Ah, hello, doc.

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Morning! I came as fast as I could. Is, uhh,-- is something up?

AINSWORTH: Yes. Uh, during the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off. Mm?

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Ahh. Been in the wars, have we?

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Mhm.

PERKINS: Yes.

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Ehh. Any headache? Bowels all right? Mm. Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then, eh? Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.

PERKINS: Oh, good.

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Yes, there's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Uh, keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing football or anything, try and favour the other leg.

PERKINS: Oh.

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Mhm.

PERKINS: Right-o.

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Be as right as rain in a couple of days.

PERKINS: Oh. Thanks for the reassurance, doc.

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Not at all. That's what I'm here for. Any other problems I can reassure you about?

PERKINS: No, I'm fine.

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Jolly good. Well, must be off. M-hmm.

PERKINS: So, it'll, ehh,-- it'll just grow back again, then, will it?

DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE: Uhh,... I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's, um,-- it's not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small. So small, it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. What we're looking for here is, I think,-- And this is no more than an educated guess, I'd like to make that clear. ...Is some multi-cellular life form with stripes, huge razor-sharp teeth, about eleven foot long, and of the genus Felis Horribilis: what we doctors, in fact, call a 'tiger'.

PERKINS, PAKENHAM-WALSH, and AINSWORTH: A tiger?!

EVERYONE: A tiger?!

[mayhem]

PAKENHAM-WALSH: A tiger... in Africa?

AINSWORTH: Hm?

PAKENHAM-WALSH: A tiger in Africa?!

AINSWORTH: W-- Ah, well, it, uh,-- it has probably escaped from a zoo. Mhm.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: Doesn't sound very likely to me.

AINSWORTH: Stumm. Stumm. Stumm.

SERGEANT: Sir!

AINSWORTH: Stumm.

SERGEANT: Sir! Sir! Sir! The attack's over, sir! The Zulus are retreating!

AINSWORTH: Oh, jolly good. Mhm.

SERGEANT: Quite a lot of casualties, though, sir.

AINSWORTH: M-hmm.

SERGEANT: 'C' Division wiped out.

AINSWORTH: Yes.

SERGEANT: Signals gone.

AINSWORTH: Yes.

SERGEANT: Thirty men killed in 'F' Section.

AINSWORTH: Yes. I see. Mm.

SERGEANT: I should think about a hundred-- hundred and fifty men altogether, sir.

AINSWORTH: Jolly good. [sniff]

SERGEANT: I haven't got the final figures, sir, but there's a lot of seriously...

AINSWORTH: Yes.

SERGEANT: ...wounded in the compound.

AINSWORTH: Yes. Well, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. One of the officers has lost a leg.

SERGEANT: Oh, no, sir!

AINSWORTH: I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.

SERGEANT: In Africa?

AINSWORTH: Stumm.

PAKENHAM-WALSH: [mumble]

AINSWORTH: Stumm. Stumm. Stumm. The M.O. says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately.

SERGEANT: Right, sir! I'll organise a party... right away, sir.

AINSWORTH: Well, it's hardly the time for that, is it Sergeant?

SERGEANT: Look. A-- a search party.

AINSWORTH: Oh! Oh! Ah! Ahh! Much better idea! Mhmm.

VICTIMS: [moaning]


ZULU ANNOUNCER: Hello. Good evening, and welcome to 'The Middle of the Film'.


ANNOUNCER: Middle Age.

FISH #6: Oh. Could've guessed it.

MR. MARVIN HENDY: Oh, that's much better. Thank you, honey.

MRS. HENDY: You're welcome.

MR. HENDY: Mmmm. It was all sort of misty before.

MRS. HENDY: M-hmm.

MR. HENDY: That's fine.

M'LADY JOELINE: Hi! How are you?

MR. HENDY: Oh, we're just fine!

JOELINE: What kind of food 'd you like to eat this evening?

MR. HENDY: Well, we sort of like pineapples.

JOELINE: Pineapple. Mmm.

MRS. HENDY: Yeah, we love pineapple.

JOELINE: Mmm.

MR. HENDY: Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us.

JOELINE: Mm. Well, how about the Dungeon Room?

MRS. HENDY: Oh, look.

MR. HENDY: Ohh, that sounds fine!

JOELINE: Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food served in an authentic, medieval English dungeon atmosphere.

MR. HENDY: Ohh?

MRS. HENDY: It's--

[ssssss]

PRISONER: Aaaaaaaaaaah! [Hawaiian music] Aah. Ah. Aah. Aaaaah. Aaaaaah!

MR. HENDY: Hmm m mm mm mmmm mm mm mmmm. Isn't this nice? Ha hah. Why not? Good shot. Real Kodak. Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. Hm mm mmmm. Dah dah...

PRISONER: Aaaaaaaaaaah!

MR. HENDY: ...dah dah dah dah daah. Daah.

MRS. HENDY: Hm.

MR. HENDY: Huhh huh mm. Mmm.

MRS. HENDY: Hmm hmm.

MR. HENDY: H-mmm.

MRS. HENDY: Hmm.

MR. HENDY: Mmm.

WAITER: Good evening! Uhh, would you care for something to... talk about?

MR. HENDY: Oh, that would be wonderful.

WAITER: Our special tonight is minorities!

MR. HENDY: Ohh, that sounds real interesting.

MRS. HENDY: Um, what's this conversation here?

WAITER: Uh, that's, uh, 'football'. There you can talk about the Steelers- Bears game this Saturday, or you could, uh, reminisce about really great World Series.

MRS. HENDY: No, no, no, no.

MR. HENDY: What is this one here?

WAITER: Uhh, that's 'philosophy'.

MRS. HENDY: Is that a sport?

WAITER: Aah, no, it's more of an attempt to, uh, construct a viable hypothesis to, uh, explain the meaning of life.

FISH #3: What was that?

FISH #5: What's he say?

FISH #4: What was that?!

FISH #2: Shush.

FISH #5: Eh?

MR. HENDY: Oh, that sounds wonderful. Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling?

MRS. HENDY: Sure. Why not?

WAITER: Philosophy for two?

MR. HENDY: Right.

WAITER: Room?

MR. HENDY: Two-five-nine.

WAITER: Two-five-nine.

MR. HENDY: Yup. Uhh,-- uh, h-- how do we--

WAITER: Oh, uhh, you folks want me to start you off?

MR. HENDY: Oh, really, we'd appreciate that.

WAITER: Okay!

MR. HENDY: Yeah.

WAITER: Well, ehh,...

MR. HENDY: Mhmm.

WAITER: ...look. Have you ever wondered... just why you're here?

MR. HENDY: Well, we went to Miami last year and California the year before that, and we've--

WAITER: No, no, no. I mean, uh, w-- why we're here... on this planet.

MR. HENDY: Hmmm. No.

WAITER: Right! Aaah, you ever wanted to know what it's all about?

MR. HENDY: Nope.

MRS. HENDY: No. No.

WAITER: Right-o! Aah, well, uh, see, throughout history,...

MR. HENDY: M-hmm.

WAITER: ...there have been certain men and women who have tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence,...

MRS. HENDY: G-reat.

WAITER: ...and we call these guys 'philosophers'!

MR. HENDY: Ohh.

MRS. HENDY: And that's what we're talking about.

WAITER: Right!

MR. HENDY: Yeah.

MRS. HENDY: Ohh, that's neat!

WAITER: Well, you look like you're getting the idea, so why don't I give you these, uh, conversation cards? They'll tell you a little about philosophical method,...

MR. HENDY: Oh.

WAITER: ...names of famous philosophers,-- Uh, there you are. Uhh, have a nice conversation!

MR. HENDY: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

MRS. HENDY: He's cute.

MR. HENDY: Yeah, real--

MRS. HENDY: Yeah.

MR. HENDY: Real understanding. Mmm.

MRS. HENDY: Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher!

MR. HENDY: Oh, yeah! He's the one that begins with an 'S'.

MRS. HENDY: Oh.

MR. HENDY: Umm, like, uh, 'Nietzsche'.

MRS. HENDY: Does 'Nietzsche' begin with an 'S'?

MR. HENDY: Uh, there's an 's' in 'Nietzsche'.

MRS. HENDY: Oh, wow. Yes, there is. Do all philosophers have an 's' in them?

MR. HENDY: Uh, yeah! I think most of 'em do.

MRS. HENDY: Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?

MR. HENDY: Yeah! Right! She could be! She sings about the meaning of life.

MRS. HENDY: Yeah. That's right, but I don't think she writes her own material.

MR. HENDY: No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.

MRS. HENDY: No. Burt Bacharach writes it.

MR. HENDY: But there's no 's' in 'Burt Bacharach'.

MRS. HENDY: Or in 'Hal David'.

MR. HENDY: Who's Hal David?

MRS. HENDY: He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes, only now, he's married to Carole Bayer Sager.

MR. HENDY: Oh, waiter. This conversation isn't very good.

WAITER: Oh, I'm sorry, sir! Uhh, we do have one today that's not on the menu. It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know.

MR. HENDY: Oh, yes.

WAITER: 'Live Organ Transplants'.

MRS. HENDY: 'Live Organ Transplants'? What's that?