{123810}{123879}It's really fun. And I was|on this German talk show
{123883}{123950}And this woman said to me,|she said, "Mr. Williams,
{123953}{124034}Why do you think there's not|so much comedy in Germany?"
{124037}{124141}And I said, "did you and ever think|you killed, all the funny people?"
{124204}{124332}And it was...
{124335}{124410}And here's what|got interesting.
{124413}{124511}She didn't bat an eyelash.|She just went, "no. "
{124514}{124631}At that point even God's|going, "do you get it?"
{124634}{124730}German comedy: Knock|knock, we ask the questions.
{124734}{124813}It's like the French|production of "Anne Frank"...
{124816}{124893}"she's upstairs!"
{124896}{124953}And we have|a German Pope now.
{124956}{125026}How do you get a German|Pope? Well, it's a tough gig.
{125030}{125096}They don't retire the jersey|like Magic Johnson.
{125100}{125157}You stay in the chair|to the bitter end.
{125160}{125209}Remember John Paul II?|It was like,
{125392}{125470}In nomine patris, et filii,|et spiritus sancti.
{125572}{125670}We're lucky he didn't have dementia|in the Yankee Stadium, going,
{125673}{125749}"everybody gets pudding.
{125752}{125913}Chocolate pudding.|Chocolate pudding. "
{125917}{125962}And when the pope dies,
{125966}{126042}The Vatican finds out you're|dead the old-fashioned way:
{126046}{126093}They have a guy come|with a silver hammer...
{126096}{126166}Not maxwell... But he comes|and he basically comes in...
{126169}{126252}He basically comes in and goes,|pwap! And if the Pope goes, "ahh!"
{126255}{126348}"one more week!|He's got another week!"
{126351}{126414}And the moment|the Pope dies,
{126417}{126473}They take him through|Saint Peter's Basilica
{126476}{126554}And 50,000 cell phones|are like...
{126557}{126616}And I'm sure that was|his last wish.
{126619}{126679}"when I die,
{126682}{126747}I want to be|a screen saver. "
{126751}{126826}And then what happens?
{126829}{126911}The College of Cardinals, they|all go into a small dark room
{126914}{126976}And the only thing that|comes out is smoke.
{126979}{127071}And I'm going,|"what are you doing in there?"
{127074}{127161}And I believe they have|da Vinci's hookach.
{127164}{127235}And they're inside getting|a little loaded, going...
{127239}{127321}"I got a crazy idea.
{127324}{127406}No no no, wait wait wait!|Wait, listen, this is crazy.
{127409}{127451}No, wait!
{127454}{127500}The last Pope|was Polish, right?
{127503}{127571}Yeach, no, wait...|This is a good one! Hold on.
{127574}{127641}How about this?|No, wait, this is crazy.
{127644}{127702}How about this?|A nazi!"
{127758}{127865}"no no, Hitler youth. It's|like boy scouts with artillery.
{127869}{127947}It's great! It'll scare|the shit out of the jews.
{127950}{128016}They'll be like, "oy!"
{128020}{128086}And I was hoping,|rather than a German Pope,
{128090}{128171}They would do something cool|like a latin american Pope, man.
{128175}{128266}That would have been cool,|like Pope Enrique.
{128270}{128322}Yeach!|That would be cool.
{128326}{128392}And he'd have|the cool pope-mobile
{128396}{128451}Like, "Ave Maria!
{128455}{128555}Check it out...
{128558}{128656}Or a Brazilian Pope, 'cause then you|could have the samba nuns in the thongs
{128659}{128726}Going, "come on back|to the church.
{128730}{128777}Come on back to|the church.
{128780}{128832}You know you want to come back|to the church.
{128835}{128882}Come on back to|the church. "
{128885}{128948}I'm sure the kids would go,|"fuck the internet!
{128951}{129017}I'm going back to church. "
{129021}{129069}But it's weird.
{129072}{129163}The Vatican and homosexuality...|Oil, water.
{129166}{129258}The Pope is always,|"homosexuality is an abomination. "
{129262}{129333}Time out.|"you're the Pope?" "yes. "
{129337}{129431}"you're dressed like|Freddy Mercury's stunt double.
{129483}{129590}Your purse is on fire and you're|surrounded by hundreds of boys.
{129593}{129694}And you've had kind of a problem|in the after-school area. "
{129699}{129790}And why is there a problem with|pedophilia in the Catholic Church?
{129794}{129884}Well, it's a big deal. You|become a priest... Retire this.
{129887}{129986}And once a week, we're gonna|put you in a small dark box
{129989}{130102}And people are gonna tell you|their nastiest sexual shit.
{130105}{130168}"bless me, father,|for I have sinned. "
{130171}{130216}"yes, my son?"
{130219}{130315}"last night I had sex|with two Thai twins,
{130318}{130380}A ślip "n ślide,
{130383}{130460}A diving helmet,
{130463}{130525}And a ferret. "
{130575}{130649}"could you say that|slower, my son?"
{130691}{130753}And I believe the Vatican's|gonna come out one day
{130756}{130807}And come out big.|It's gonna be...
{130811}{130844}♪ in nomine patris...|♪
{130847}{130930}♪ et spiritus santi! ♪
{130933}{130997}♪ one secular sensation ♪
{131000}{131047}♪ all the|folks you meet ♪
{131050}{131092}♪ da da da da|da da! ♪
{131095}{131184}♪ one singular salvation ♪
{131187}{131245}♪ every word on|the street! ♪
{131248}{131297}♪ da da da da da da! ♪
{131300}{131376}And there still will be|the evangelicals going,
{131379}{131440}"homosexuality|is a sickness. "
{131443}{131543}And the same Reverend will be caught|buying crack from a gay prostitute
{131546}{131668}Going, "we were just|playing tummy swords. "
{131671}{131761}And then he'll deny it going, "I|did not perform a homosexual act. "
{131764}{131826}"no, you didn't.|Elton John is a homosexual act.
{131829}{131909}You just blew that guy.|It's okay. "
{131913}{131999}And this Reverend went to|rehab for homosexuality.
{132003}{132085}I'm going, "I was in rehab.|I didn't see that wing.
{132088}{132180}There was no cockenders|in my rehab. "
{132183}{132261}And is homosexuality|a preexisting condition?
{132264}{132306}What the fuck?
{132309}{132390}And the other people that|come out against the whole thing
{132393}{132464}Are the Mormons. They came out|against gay marriage big time.
{132467}{132530}And with gay marriage, you|couldn't even say "gay marriage. "
{132533}{132590}In California you couldn't|call it "gay marriage. "
{132593}{132630}It was like,|"what do we call it?"
{132633}{132680}"we'll call it|'same-sex marriage. "
{132684}{132734}And people who have been|married for a long time
{132738}{132782}Are going,|"that's a little redundant.
{132785}{132843}If you've been married a long|time, it's always the same sex.
{132846}{132884}Shut the fuck... "
{132888}{132955}What?
{132958}{133010}And then they said,|"we'll call it a union. "
{133014}{133137}Then the union guys get pissed|going, "it's not a fucking union.
{133140}{133235}It's not|'local cocksuckers #69."
{133282}{133375}And you're going, "wait a|minute, Canada has gay marriage.
{133378}{133445}Do you want all the gay people|to immigrate to Canada?
{133448}{133545}Then they'll win figure skating|for the next 200 years! No!
{133548}{133621}They're already the nicest|people on the planet.
{133624}{133721}Do you want them to be the|best dressed? That's bullshit!"
{133724}{133806}And the whole thing... And we|talked briefly about this before...
{133809}{133886}The other people that come out|against gay marriage were the Mormons.
{133889}{133956}Basically the Mormons... The|people that used to do polygamy...
{133960}{134011}They used to|perfect polygamy.
{134015}{134088}A Mormon giving marital advice|is like the octomom
{134091}{134173}Running a Planned Parenthood|Clinic.
{134177}{134274}And if the answer to "who's your|daddy?" is multiple choice,
{134277}{134356}Come with me, my friend.
{134359}{134412}And who thought polygamy|was a great idea?
{134415}{134471}Who got married and went,
{134474}{134537}"my one marriage isn't|going so well.
{134540}{134602}I'd like to double down. "
{134605}{134672}Fuck off, man!
{134675}{134742}And if you... Why would you|want another strong opinion?
{134745}{134817}Even if you marry a deaf|and a blind girl,
{134820}{134882}They will|fucking communicate!
{134885}{134972}And they will work out that|you are the asshole.
{134975}{135045}In marriage, I've learned this:|In marriage
{135048}{135155}There's penalties for early withdrawal|and deposit in another account.
{135158}{135209}Remember that.
{135213}{135280}And alimony doesn't|stop people.
{135284}{135350}Alimony... Look at a guy. You|could call it all the money
{135354}{135419}And guys would still be going,|"I'm in. Let's do this. "
{135423}{135490}Look at Donald Trump. He's|always going, "this one's broken.
{135494}{135550}Bring me another one.|Ha ha ha!"
{135554}{135626}But maybe there should be a|three-strike law with marriage.
{135629}{135718}If you want to get married for a fourth|time, you have to give up a body part.
{135721}{135770}Then that might|slow people down.
{135773}{135823}Like, "Bob, how many times|you been married?"
{135826}{135870}"four times, Robin. "
{135873}{135933}"Ted, how many times|you been married?"
{135936}{136010}"five times, Robin.|Five times. "
{136014}{136120}Larry King would just be|a fucking head on a stick.